she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
