This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
