you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
