Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
