Can i not drive my cunt home
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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