All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
