Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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