Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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