I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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