she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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