Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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