theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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