halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
