i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize