we have pet lesbian snakes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found puke in my bra..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
