this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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