you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
