dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize