I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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