yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i think i just lost a toe
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
