My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He passed out mid-signature
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This is my gift to your gina
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
