A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
