I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
