Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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