The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
