I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
