omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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