He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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