What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We left an ass print on the piano.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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