Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
