i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
try to milk me bitch
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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