You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
