I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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