the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
