I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
