i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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