Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
