I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize