i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
