Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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