I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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