Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
