Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
