If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
