I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
