I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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