He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
