Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
