I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
