as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize