If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize