Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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