Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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