non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize