you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
