she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
