loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
