woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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