Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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