I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize