ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
