pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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