Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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