My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
