I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
ugly people sure do ruin things
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
