Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
